get up, stand up

I want to begin with optimism.

2 Things I've Always Wanted to Do That I Finally Accomplished Which I May Have Mentioned Previously:

1. I finally have all the Radiohead LP's - Kid A is my current favorite. The song, Morning Bell feels like I do. If you've heard it, you'll know what I'm talking about and if you haven't, well, it's got the vibe of the dull trauma that endures through divorce and the brief moments of ecstacy that punctuate every cathartic experience.

2. I finally, finally read Edith Hamilton's Mythology all the way through. I learned many things, including the fact that Princess Lavinia was destined to marry a foreigner and become the mother of Rome. Thousands died that she might wed the last surviving prince of Troy who all the land opposed. Makes me wonder about you, Marie and the destinies attached to names enduring time's tides.

-O-

I keep having these vivid dreams. Two nights ago, I dreamt of amphibious river giraffes being eaten by giant black tree spiders. Last night's was of a pale coral beach with palms 30 feet high. Everyone on the island was dressed in white, people from my past and present, all playing different kinds of games to my left and right. I joined a group playing a strange sort of volleyball where 2 teams of eight were in a row,one facing the other, hitting a tiny rattan ball back and forth like a mini version of sipa takraw (sp?) where you could use your hands but not your palms.

I also dreamt that my CIS class was meeting in our old 5th grade classroom for Jemaville's engagement party. Mikele was there with hair dyed purple and black. She'd gone insane from drugs and booze. Stef, it was the first time I'd seen you in years and we had a quiet conversation in the back. I went through all the dull brown lockers set under the jalousie windows, discovering nothing in them except dust and an old stuffed triceratops toy, forgotten there for ages. I left it alone. Lala looked so beautiful and lost and the rest were chatting away, repeating dialogues familiar... I kept thinking to myself, "I'm so happy I get to relive this one more time."

-O-

It's time I got a life again. I need to get off my ass, get out of my head, put the fantasies back in storage, and open the door to reality. I see myself, too often, holding back from what I could have, fearful of what I could lose. Gabby's words keep ringing in my mind, "Vascillation leads to Failure. Your ultimate destiny is Disappointment," - the words of a book telling me to "Come from a place of abundance," Trixie, Russ, and my Ate Ruth all telling me, "You deserve better," and my own writing on a 5 year old page, professing, "I don't want to play a puppet to my fears anymore. I want love to be the intention behind all my actions." That, collectively, is what I'm trying to be conscious of, every second I find myself being drawn back into the cycle I'm caught in and struggling to be free of.

-O-

New pics in my phlog. Ayo ayo sa tanan.