handicapeople
I saw this sad little wheelchair sitting in an empty parking lot through the window of an office building while I was walking in the rain and I knew I had to photograph it. It felt like taking a self-portrait.
My life's a dump right now. I've been dealing with a lot of unresolved issues and feelings from my past - and none of them are nice. Turns out, there's a lot of anger and pain inside me that I never allowed myself to feel. Now that I'm in a place where I have little to distract me and I'm at my most vulnerable, without friends, family, or a positive outlook, it's all coming out in waves, floods of negative emotion just totally devastating my stupid little perspective of the world and of myself.
God's doing this on purpose, I think. I need to deal with all this shit at last, before I get cancer or before I totally waste my chance to really Live in Canada. So far, I've been living in a computer screen, making myself hungrier for things I can't have right now.
Case in point: Russ, who I realize I never really got over, so to all of you that told me so and I didn't really listen to, I admit: you were right, I was wrong, and I'm sorry I didn't listen.
Case in point: The fact that I have this deep-seeded self-loathing rooted to a traumatic event in my early childhood. I finally confronted the person that was responsible for this but I didn't even get an apology. I was basically told, "Tough. My life was harder. Fuck you and fuck off." Asshole.
Case in point: My relationship with my parents which is a novel I don't care to copy/paste here.
There's just so much shit in my life that I never really dealt with. I'm dealing with it all now - or trying to and I would be dishonest if I didn't say it's making me crazy. Like truly insane. I'm losing sleep, I'm losing weight, I'm losing my fucking mind. Amen.
And I'm not so proud now that I won't ask for help. So if there's anybody out there reading this, especially if you're God Almighty: Please help me.
Oh, and I'm working on an exhibit. This weekend I walked three hours in the rain taking photographs for another scratched image series that MIGHT end up in Germany (God-willing). Take a look in my phlog.
I'm also on my last week of training at work. I took a 2 hour call yesterday. I did very well on it but I'm thinking I won't last very long as a call rep.
I miss my life but I want to stop feeling like a zombie too. I know what I should do but right now, my brain is all bark and my heart is incredibly fucking whiny.
Ayo ayo sa tanan.
posted by bagclinger at 9:06 AM
5 Comments:
i'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time there, james.
when we're physically displaced, we also become psychically displaced. think of this as an opportunity to build yourself from the ground up: you are in a foreign land, you are starting from scratch, you can be whoever you want to be, without having to explain or justify your past. it's a new life, literally, but of course, when you are giving birth to yourself it's always difficult.
if i were there i d buy you a blueberry vodka cruiser and we'd whine together (possibly even play 'have you ever', just like we did in bohol). know that we, your fellow purple patchers, are here: we're only an email and a ym click away. :)
allow yourself time to heal. keep making art. keep writing.
ginny is so right. you have the option to leave the past deal with its own bullshit.
it's true it'll always sneak into you, but that's what growth is for: a new (better) perspective.
heal fast, transform all this energy, and keep making art.
everything will pay off on you, like they always do.
hey james! the postcard finally arrived! thanks. I didn't realize your handwriting was so clean and dainty! hehe Keep it cool and show me your photographs when they're done. ayawg papildi. :)
hey james! the postcard finally arrived! thanks. I didn't realize your handwriting was so clean and dainty! hehe Keep it cool and show me your photographs when they're done. ayawg papildi. :)
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