love is a lake, love is a stream

I've been having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that in a moving-in situation with my boyfriend and his best friend, I would always be the one left out in the cold, should the shit ever hit the fan. All too well do I recall the unexpected things that people I love/d were actually capable of and given my trademark paranoia (or 'caution', choose your noun), it makes me feel really insecure about my place in that triangle. I mean - if I ever did something stupid to fuck it all up, I'd definitely be out on the street; it's two versus one and they have a history far longer than the one I have with him. And even if he was the one who fucked it all up, I would have to move out, because he's got his best friend by his side always; they're both older and better established in this city, financially and socially. In most cases, I lose. Not only do I have to pack up my life and lose 'my place', I also run this risk of belonging to this new place, contingent on the good graces of these people which I have to please in order to have a place to live. There's only one case where I'm not the odd-man-out, and that's if Shaun and I ever get married, or adopt, or take this to another level that requires us to get a place of our own, just by ourselves. Could we ever get to that point?

This is my anxiety.

So I asked for some kind of guarantee that if things went sour, I wouldn't be out on the street the next day, that I'd get a chance to get my life together so I can move out and start over with a decent chance. His best friend gave me concise and warm assurance that, "No, you wouldn't be out on the street. I'm a mother and I could not do that to someone." But his idea of quelling my fears was to say that of course his best friend would be on his side and who knows what will happen but he'll most likely dump my ass and toss me out with the garbage if I ever cheated on him but I can find assurance in the fact that, legally, they wouldn't be able to do it right away, because my name would be on the lease and as long as I paid rent, I had the right to stay a while even though he wouldn't me to live with him.

...

There are a few reasons why that made me angry but I think most of all, it was just the idea that he could be so cold as to give me reassurance That way. As if that would silence the fear and make me jump at the chance to move in with them. Is he that stupid? Then he explained that it was because he had to consider every scenario, including the worst, and that if it ever got really, really ugly and it was my fault, he couldn't guarantee a civil reaction that would allow me to stay long enough to catch my material bearings before the flush out. "I just want to be honest." And my honest reaction to that, is that I find it unfair because if the tables were ever turned, he would never be in the same situation, just based on the grounds that he's got the finances to afford it and emotional support in the next room to lean on.

It's probably my fault for saying, "I don't trust anything anyone says anymore," because he figured his word wouldn't be enough, he thought the legal point would assuage my turmoil more effectively. But I found it heartless, a little insulting, and proof that all my anxieties were not only valid but reason enough not to move in at all. I mean, what's the point of living with someone if the fear of being outnumbered, out-financed, and booted out is always affecting the way I'm behaving in the relationship? I just found out where I would stand and now I just don't want to stand there.

So what now?

This is my anxiety.